How did I miss this until now?

Apparently Bill Simmons--better known as the Sports Guy--and Keith Olbermann have gotten themselves into a feud lately, one that I honestly think could be among the dumbest of all time.

How did it start? Simmons wrote a column following Tiger Woods' first post-meltdown press conference stating that "Tiger's comeback is going to be the most fascinating sports story of my lifetime...The only thing that comes close: When Ali returned from 4 years of boxing exile for refusing to serve in Vietnam."

Olbermann, as he is prone to do, threw his ass into a fit: "I am again left to marvel how somebody (Simmons) can rise to a fairly prominent media position with no discernible insight or talent, save for an apparent ability to mix up a vast bowl of word salad very quickly."

Olbermann, I think, misses the point. Simmons wasn't saying that Tiger Woods is Ali's moral equivalent, only that his return would be more fascinating. The really funny part? I'm pretty sure Ali had his run of the ladies back in the day, probably not Tiger Woods-pornstar bad but tawdry enough to the likes of millions of moms in flyover states who read Star in the checkout line, and who Tiger's sponsors are mortally frightened of since his wife had to "save" him from that late night car wreck by bashing in his window with a golf club.

The conflict has since devolved into a rather humorous bit of name-calling, but still leaves one (and by one I mean me) shaking their head thinking that both these talented guys with obviously large egos need to step back, take a deep breath, and remember one important thing: SPORTS DO NOT MATTER...AT ALL...EVER.

Aside from the Iroquois using lacrosse as a means of conflict resolution and the epic "Soccer Wars" involving world titans Honduras and El Salvador there is not one example of sports having a serious effect on anything outside the moods of the players, the fans who cheer them on, and the owners who get filthy rich off our collective derangement.

Jackie Robinson integrating Major League Baseball didn't help pass the Civil Rights Act, Jesse Owens winning gold at the Berlin Olympics in Berlin in 1936 in front of Hitler's peculiar mustache didn't prevent World War II, and Mohammed Ali's conscientious objection to serving in Vietnam sure as hell didn't do a damn thing to end the Vietnam War.

So while I am more on the cynical/Simmons side when it comes to this argument since I think "Boomers" of Olbermann's generation tend to give a lot of import to situations like Ali's (whereas I would register Pat Tillman's sacrifice as something far more praiseworthy. The truth is missing out on 4 years of boxing wasn't the worst thing in the world even though it was completely ridiculous and emblematic of just how completely screwed up our country was at the time) I still disagree with Simmons that this will go down as the "most fascinating sports story of my lifetime."

The truth is sports are only fascinating to those that take their outcomes seriously. The really fascinating things in life are those that literally affect the lives of people around the world, and which sports only glancingly touch (war/sexism/racism) upon at their most profound. I think as an obsessive regarding all things sports myself that both these gentlemen would do well to remember that.

I will now cease giving advice to men who earn more money than I do in an hour and would certainly wipe their behinds with this post if I ever thought to print it.